I'm Always Here
by highmaintenance
Summary: When Hawkeye receives some sad news from home, Trapper goes to comfort him with some unexpected consequences. Slash
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own MASH...simple as that.**

**Okay this was an R-rated story that I cleaned up so that it was appropriate for ff.n. This is the longest story I've written so far and I love it to pieces. As I do with all my work. Please R & R...

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Another long day in surgery was over for Hawkeye. He pulled off his horrible blood stained gloves and sat down on the bench with a huge sigh. Hawk closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of his fellow surgeons bustling around him.

'You did beautifully today Major.' Margaret's unmistakable gushing about Frank's non-existent surgical skills.

'Thank you Major.' was Frank's snivelling reply. Hawkeye would have rolled his eyes had he been more awake.

Then Hawkeye heard the sound of worn out combat boots scuffing across the floor. He knew immediately that this was Trapper; he always dragged his feet when he walked, especially when he was exhausted.

'Hard day at the office Trap?' asked Hawkeye, not bothering to open his eyes. He felt Trapper sit next to him.

'Yeah the usual, belly wounds caused by bullets, amputations brought on by grenades.' Replied Trapper regretfully. Hawkeye opened his eyes and turned to face Trapper. His best friend's face was droopy and tired and his brown eyes were filled with sadness for the young soldiers.

'You look like you could use a drink Trap.' Said Hawkeye, there was the hint of a smile playing about his mouth and Trapper couldn't help but return it.

'Sounds like a great night in, shall we?' Trapper stood up and offered his arm to Hawkeye. Hawkeye laughed.

'Thank you kindly, sir.' He replied in an accent not unlike a southern belle.

'Look at those two degenerates.' Mumbled Frank to Margaret as they both watched the two Captains leave the scrub room arm in arm.

'It's like a ritual, sew up patients, get drunk, and sleep off hangover.' Replied Margaret in an equally as disgusted tone but louder.

Hawkeye doubled back and sized up the Majors. 'That is an unfair presumption! Today we are going to get drunk, sew up patients and _then_ sleep off the hangover.'

Trapper had doubled back too. 'You know that variety is the spice of life.'

'Frank does don't you Frank?' said Hawkeye slyly without missing a beat.

'Oh nerts to you both!' Frank replied lamely whilst Margaret harrumphed.

'Careful Frank with language like that I might have to wash your mouth out with soap.' Said Trapper who was trying unsuccessfully to suppress his giggles.

'Come on Trap, the still is calling.' Said Hawkeye who was now halfway out the door and motioning to his friend.

Trapper gave a gay wave to Margaret and Frank and followed Hawkeye out the door.

'Those two need a vacation.' Said Trapper simply, he scratched his head absently.

'Are you kidding?' Frank would fight nail and tooth to get back here!' said Hawkeye who opened the door to the Swamp for Trapper.

'Good point.' Replied Trapper, he collapsed on his cot and sighed loudly.

'Comfortable?' asked Hawkeye as he poured the clear liquid into two martini glasses.

'As comfortable as I'm gonna get on this bed of nails.' Mumbled Trapper who sat up and accepted the glass of gin that was offered to him by Hawkeye.

'Cheers.' Trap added before clinking glasses with the younger surgeon. Both men took a sip of their drinks and winced.

'This has to double as a paint stripper.' Commented Hawkeye who eyed the potent beverage with a mix of pride and distaste.

'Well if it gets me drunk I don't care what it tastes like.' Said Trapper before downing his entire glass in one gulp.

'Care for anymore sir?' asked Hawkeye who sounded like a British butler.

'Why I would love some more Jeeves, filler up!' Trapper held out his empty glass to Hawkeye who quickly filled it to the brim once again with gin.

Hawkeye topped up his own glass and sat opposite Trapper on his own cot. They surveyed each other in silence while they drank.

'How long have we been in this Hell hole Trap?' Hawk asked finally.

Trapper was quiet for a minute whilst he did the maths in his head. 'As of today four months, two weeks, five days.'

Hawkeye whistled. 'I could've sworn we'd been here a hundred years.'

'Yeah, it seems that way doesn't it?' Trapper leaned back on his cot and closed his eyes. Hawkeye couldn't help but stare at his friend. Trap looked so perfect sitting on his cot, his head leaning back against the side of the tent, his curly strawberry blonde hair messed up from wearing a surgical cap all day long. Neither Trapper nor Hawkeye had shaved in about four days but the stubble that was growing out of Trapper's chin seemed to be doing things for the young Captain. Trapper opened his eyes and noticed that Hawkeye was staring at him.

'Hey Hawk, you okay you look frazzled?' Said Trapper as he threw his legs over the side of his cot and surveyed Hawkeye carefully through those gorgeous brown eyes.

'Yeah I'm fine Trap, I'm just really tired.' Replied Hawkeye quickly.

'Well why don't you put that drink down and get some sleep?' Trapper laughed lightly at Hawkeye who blushed unintentionally.

'Perhaps you're right.' Hawkeye put his martini glass down next to the still and hopped under the covers of his cot. 'Good night Trap.' He whispered.

Trapper stared at Hawkeye's 'bed' in disbelief. He almost never puts a glass down without finishing off its contents first. Trapper concluded that he must be exhausted and decided to follow suit. When Hawkeye heard Trapper get into bed he opened his eyes and looked around the now dark tent. He had no intention of going to sleep this early in the night; he just wanted to avoid awkward conversation with Trapper. Hawkeye was still quite alarmed by his thoughts earlier but he tried to convince himself it was the exhaustion brought on by fourteen hours of meatball surgery.

Hawkeye lay in his cot for hours listening to Trapper breathing. It was slow and quiet almost melodic and its pattern was only disturbed by Frank's entrance at three o'clock that morning. Finally Hawkeye drifted into an uneasy sleep.

'Hey Hawk, wake up.' Trapper's voice was coming from above him. Hawkeye mumbled something unintelligible before opening his sapphire blue eyes.

'What do you want Trap?' Hawk asked grouchily.

'I wanted to give you something.' Replied Trapper secretively.

'Couldn't it wait a few more hours I'm trying to catch up on some much needed sleep?' Hawkeye tried to turn over but Trapper grabbed his shoulders and half pulled him up into a sitting position.

'Trap I'm trying to sleep can't it wait?' asked Hawkeye again but with a little less force.

'No it can't.' Trapper took Hawkeye's face in his hands and brought their lips together slowly. Hawkeye tensed and then relaxed when he tasted Trapper, his warm tongue caressed Hawk's mouth and the two Captains began grabbing at each other's clothes. Trapper got Hawkeye's shirt off and threw it on the floor before continuing to make out furiously with the younger man.

'Oh Hawkeye.' Trapper groaned. 'Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye…'

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**Dun, dun, duuuun! TBC...Well I'd love to know what you think so far please R & R...**


	2. Chapter 2

'Hey Hawk!' Hawkeye opened his eyes and blinked as the tent came back into focus. Trapper was sitting on his cot with an amused expression on his now clean shaven face.

'What do you want Trapper I'm trying to sleep?' Mumbled Hawkeye before turning over and pulling the covers over his head.

'You just want to have that dream again don't you?'

Hawkeye sat bolt upright, cold fear circulating through his veins. 'How do you know what I was dreaming about Trap?' He asked trying to force the calm into his voice.

'You were mumbling in your sleep so who were you dreaming about?' Trapper smiled devilishly.

'Just a nurse I used to be in practice with.' Lied Hawk quickly but he was avoiding Trapper's eyes.

'What does she look like?' Trapper pressed his friend for details which Hawkeye eagerly supplied, anything to get Trapper off his back.

'She has this gorgeous head of curly blonde hair, eyes so warm they'd keep you cosy all night long and a figure that made you want to fall to the ground and thank God for making it.' Hawkeye was voicing what he thought of Trapper's body but made it sound like he was describing a woman. In truth, the nurse that Hawkeye worked with back home was a 35 year old brunette who was slightly overweight and married with two children.

'She sounds really nice; no wonder you were pissed at me for waking you up.' Trapper got up off Hawkeye's cot and lay down on his own. It could have been his imagination, but Hawk thought that Trapper sounded less than thrilled with his 'dream'. Could it be jealousy? _No I'm not that lucky._ Thought Hawk bitterly.

There was a knock on the door that made both doctors jump before simultaneously shouting 'Come in!'

Radar entered the Swamp a little apprehensively with the mail bag over his shoulder.

'Morning sirs, I brought you your mail.' Radar produced three envelopes. 'Two for you Captain McIntyre and one for you Captain Pierce.'

'Thanks Radar.' Trapper accepted the envelopes that were offered by the Corporal. Radar turned on his heel and made a very quick exit.

Hawkeye proceeded to open his letter.

_Dear Hawkeye,_

_I regret that I have some sad news for you son. I know this won't be what you want to hear, being over in Korea and all is stressful enough but I felt that you needed to know this. Our dear dog Oscar passed away last night. I know how much you loved him Hawk; he's been in our family for 18 years after all. He's been looking ill for the past few weeks, I thought he was just missing you but apparently it was old age setting in at last. He went peacefully in his sleep and I was right by his side the whole time. I buried him in the backyard; you can say a proper good bye when you get home. I'm sorry to have to give you such terrible news in the mail._

_Love Dad_

Hawkeye looked up from the letter and willed the tears back. Hawk's father had bought Oscar for him a few weeks after his mother died when he was 10. He had been the most adorable mutt, a mixed breed. Neither Daniel nor Hawkeye could tell exactly what kind of a dog Oscar was. That dog had been Hawkeye's best pal; he always took Oscar for walks and when he was feeling down Oscar could always sense that Hawkeye needed cheering up and would nuzzle his nose into Hawk's palm. Hawkeye was going to miss that dog.

'Awe look Hawk, Kathy drew me a picture of a horse.' Trapper said cheerfully holding up a picture that consisted of a few colourful scribbles.

Hawkeye forced himself to look up and put on a smile. 'That's cute.'

Trapper sensed that something was wrong and went over to his friend. 'What's the matter, bad news from home?'

Hawkeye shook his head but before he could reply the loudspeaker blared across the compound. 'Attention, attention all personnel incoming wounded!'

'Let's go.' The two doctors abandoned their letters and made their way towards pre-op.

'Clamp.' Hawkeye operated with care as he always did but nagging at the back of his head was the death of his favourite companion.

'Clamp.' Margaret handed Hawkeye what he needed and eyed the doctor curiously.

'Are you okay Pierce, you look pale?'

Hawkeye turned to the Head Nurse and sighed. 'I'm fine Margaret it's just that sewing up teenagers isn't what I want to be doing with my life.'

The OR remained unusually silent after that. The staff was usually put at ease by Hawkeye's inappropriate but appreciated quips about the war. Today however he remained silent except when asking for equipment. They only had five casualties to operate on that morning so Hawkeye got out of OR relatively quick. Hawkeye didn't wait for Trapper to finish cleaning himself up. He just trudged out of post-op by himself filled with self pity. Hawk couldn't understand why he could operate on soldiers and not cry if one dies but the death of a dog, a tiny insignificant dog, could make him feel so terrible and empty. Hawk didn't know where he was heading and was quite surprised when he realised he had ended up in front of the supply tent. Hawkeye hesitated before opening the door and going into the cool dark room. Once he was alone Hawkeye let his emotions free. Warm salty tears cascaded down his cheeks as he thought of Oscar, dear Oscar who was Hawk's salvation when his mother passed away. Hawkeye's sobs filled the tent and the heart of a certain someone standing behind him.

'Hey Hawk, you okay?'

Hawkeye jumped a mile and slowly turned around. Trapper was standing next to a supply shelf still wearing his white gown.

'I'm crying, I'm actually crying over a dog.' Hawkeye sniffed. 'There's death and destruction everywhere but I'm crying about the death of a dog.'

Trapper approached his friend slowly. 'Has this got anything to do with the letter you received this morning?'

Hawkeye nodded. 'My dog Oscar died. He was 18; my father bought him for me after my mother died.'

Trapper put his arms around Hawkeye and embraced the younger man. 'Hawk, crying over a family pet doesn't make you a bad person.' Trap whispered and stroked Hawkeye's ebony locks.

'I know but it just feels so wrong.' Hawkeye whispered he felt so safe in Trapper's embrace. He could smell the older man's aftershave which was mixed with sweat and gun powder.

'It's okay Hawk, I'm always here.'

Hawkeye looked up into Trapper's warm brown eyes which bore into his own blue ones. Slowly the two men got closer and before Hawkeye could register what was going on, they were kissing. It started off tentative and slow but gradually they got braver and the kiss deepened. Tongues began to explore mouths and hands wandered to regions that were normally off limits except in the showers. However it was as though both men came to their senses at the same time and they pulled away from each other. Trapper stared at Hawkeye as though this was the first time he had ever laid eyes on the young doctor.

'What are we doing?' Trapper whispered stepping away from Hawkeye.

'Hey Trap, I know this may not be the best time to tell you this but…' Hawkeye reached out to put a hand on Trapper's shoulder but to his dismay, he stepped backwards.

Trapper shook his head and silenced Hawkeye, 'Hawk, I can't deal with this, you're upset and very vulnerable right now. We are going to walk outside like nothing ever happened. Agreed?'

Hawkeye could almost hear his heart breaking in two at these harsh words. He realised now that he loved Trapper more than anything else in the world but that love, or at least the love that Hawk wanted, would not be returned. With a great effort Hawkeye nodded and mumbled, 'Agreed, I'm sorry Trap.'

Trapper nodded gruffly and left Hawkeye in the supply tent extremely upset and dumbfounded.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay I know the last chapter resembled the episode _Images_ where Margaret was devastated over the death of the puppy but hey, it's a formula that works! I hope you like the final instalment.**

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**For the rest of the day the two doctors avoided each other which were extremely unusual to witness because normally Hawkeye and Trapper had to be forcibly separated. Only at dinner time in the Mess tent did they sit with each other but there seemed to be an awkward silence that floated around them. 

'It's been a busy day hasn't it Trap?' said Hawkeye shyly whilst he played with something that resembled mashed potato on his tray.

Trapper nodded and sipped his coffee in silence.

Hawkeye's heart sank into the depths of his stomach. He had probably just fucked up the best friendship he had ever had and why? Because he couldn't hide his secret desires. Hawkeye wondered why he was so attracted to Trapper. He had never been attracted to other men before. Hawkeye always loved the shape of women's bodies, the taste of their skin and the smell of their feminine perfume. Hawkeye looked over at Trapper who was carefully avoiding his eye. _Why do I love this man? _He thought as he surveyed Trapper closely.

'Evening Pierce, McIntyre.' Henry sat down at the table opposite the two doctors.

'Hi Henry, how's it hanging?' asked Trapper quite eagerly. Hawkeye knew that this was because he wanted to get some conversation going. Maybe that's why he loved him, because they were so similar in personalities.

'Not bad, just got back from post-op, Jacobs is going very well thanks to you Pierce.' Henry complimented the young doctor but Hawkeye took no notice of him. His thoughts were already preoccupied with one Mr Trapper John McIntyre.

'Thanks Henry.' Hawkeye said absently, he got up and left the Mess tent without another word.

'What's the matter with him, he looks miserable.' Observed Henry looking at Hawkeye's retreating back.

Trapper thought quickly for a plausible excuse. 'He just got news from home that his dog died; he's kind of upset about it.'

Henry nodded in understanding, readjusted his hat and continued eating the strange brown square on his tray.

Hawkeye had gone back to the Swamp and made himself a very large martini. He sipped it delicately and thought about Trapper for the millionth time that night. Hawk knew for a fact that Trapper had kissed him back in the supply tent. It had been such a good kiss too, filled with passion and love. Or maybe that was Hawkeye's mind playing tricks on him once again. Hawkeye sighed and downed the rest of his martini in three gulps.

'It can't be any fun getting drunk all alone.'

Hawkeye looked up and saw Trapper standing in the doorway of the Swamp with his crooked smile on his face. Hawkeye didn't meet Trapper's eyes as the older man helped himself to a drink.

'Okay I get it, you're mad at me.' Said Trapper after sitting down next to Hawkeye on his cot and putting an arm around his shoulder. 'Look, I did a lot of thinking through the day which is a huge shock because I never think.'

Hawkeye couldn't help but smile at his friend.

'And I came to the conclusion…' Trapper drifted off. Hawkeye faced the Captain and their eyes met.

'You came to what conclusion?' asked Hawkeye. Trapper leaned in and brushed Hawk's lips with his own.

'I feel the same way.' Whispered Trapper.

Hawkeye smiled and he and Trapper kissed again, it was a longer kiss this time and their tongues danced in and out of their mouths. Hawkeye sucked on Trapper's bottom lip which provoked Trapper to push him down on the bed and push his tongue deeper and deeper into the younger man's mouth. Hawkeye began to moan in ecstasy but Trapper pulled away.

'What's the matter Trap?' Hawkeye asked the older man slightly concerned.

'I suddenly have the urge for a very long shower, how about you?' There was a glint in Trapper's eye.

Hawkeye cottoned on to what his lover was saying. 'I agree lets have a shower Trap.'

The two doctors grabbed their robes and made their way to the shower block where they were bound to have some dirty fun in a clean place.

END

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**Remember to R & R! Thanks for reading!**


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